Motivational Articles & Stories to Give Your Dream Umph!
Intention or Unmet Needs?
Copyright © 2006 Vivian BantaThey Are Out to Get Me: Intention or Unmet Needs?
A newsletter subscriber asked me to write an article about what she called “positive intention.” To her, it meant the idea that one should initially ascribe positive intentions to those around us until time and experience proved that they were operating in some other fashion. Another way to describe this is to say that one should look for the good in people and expect that this is where they are coming from instead of thinking in some paranoid way that they are acting with evil or devious intentions and intend you harm. As an HR professional, she often finds herself dealing with employees who come to her with hurt feelings, misunderstandings, anger, frustration, confusion, tension, stress and so on stemming from work relationships with their bosses, direct reports and co-workers.
I gave the idea a lot of thought and came up with something a little different. In my experience, I have found that most people do not actually act with any intention whatsoever in the sense that they are not actually carrying out some grand master plan that they have conceived and are now executing. What I’ve seen is that most people are driven primarily by their personal needs. Typically, people are unaware of what their needs are or if they do know about them, they don’t usually acknowledge them and get them met appropriately.
To provide a quick example of what I’m talking about, picture that person at work who always seems to be having some sort of drama going on. They are constantly seeking attention, creating conflict when they don’t get it, and everyone else is getting frustrated at them. This person may actually just have a need for recognition or a need to be acknowledged that is not being met in other parts of their life. They may not even be aware that this is a need for them. They are acting out at work because this need is driving them. If they were getting this need met appropriately and in different aspects of their life, you might not even be able to tell that this is one of their needs because they are walking around with this need met in abundance.
A personal need is something you must have to be your best. Everyone has them. Everyone’s needs are different. Needs are not good or bad; they are just needs. Just like bodily needs (air, water, food, and shelter), they are neutral. After all, we don’t go around and say, “Wow, I don’t need to breathe as much air as you do. Therefore, I’m better than you.” Similarly, we should avoid judging someone else’s personal needs. They are as real and necessary to them as our needs are to us.
Tension, frustration and misunderstandings can often arise in a work setting because a) we spend more waking hours at work than anywhere else and b) many people derive their sense of identity from what they do for a living and so have a tendency to try to get their needs met here. Sometimes, one person’s needs step another person’s needs. One person may have a need for freedom while another has a need for control and they clash.
So, what do you do when faced with this? When a client complains about a co-worker, boss, family member, or acquaintance in this vein, I typically ask five questions.
Question 1: Can you clearly identify what behavior is annoying or upsetting? Usually people are so upset when they talk about these issues that you end up hearing a whole “story” or series of illustrative “stories” about the annoying person. I find that it is often helpful to boil it down to the root behavior leaving out all of the extraneous detail about the person, how they dress, what they eat, what their resume says, etc.
Question 2: Is the reason that you find their behavior so annoying really rooted in your own unmet needs? For example, one client really hated it when a co-worker would receive public praise for his accomplishments and felt that it was unjustified. This anger actually stemmed from the client’s own need for recognition and acknowledgement which was not being met. The client realized that if his own needs were being met, he probably wouldn’t dislike the co-worker.
Question 3: Can you accept that you can’t change the other person? Often, clients will say “But if only he/she would act like “X” (or stop acting like “Y”), everything would be fine.” This is usually sheer fantasy and should be accepted as such and eliminated as a reasonable option. The statement “And I’m not the only person who thinks this—most of the office thinks he/she is wrong too” is equally self-defeating. Walking around and expecting others to modify their behavior to suit us or our co-workers as if it were a democratic process is simply a waste of time. It’s like being told you have to dye your hair red or lose 40 pounds because the office took a vote and decided that you would look better if you did it. It’s just ridiculous.
Question 4: How important is this person to your daily life? Here, I am trying to gauge the level of intensity related to the issue. Is this a family member that you have to deal with a few times a year, perhaps at the holidays, or every day? Is this a co-worker whose work has no impact on your own or a boss who greatly impacts your security and salary at a company?
Question 5: What will your response to their behavior be? You have the choice to tolerate the behavior, set or enforce a boundary or eliminate the person from your life. If the behavior is minor or temporary, then clients often choose to tolerate the behavior. Why quit your job over a summer intern’s behavior if they will be gone in a few weeks? Sometimes, clients choose to set or enforce a boundary. This involves talking to the other person. For example, in the case of a co-worker or family member who uses derogatory pet names as a way to refer to you (“hey—loser”, “you moron”, and so on), you might simply ask them to stop using these words and remind them of your name. If this doesn’t work, you simply escalate the boundary enforcement. “If you don’t call me by my name, I won’t respond.”
At some point, if the boundary is not respected, you have to decide how far you are willing to go to enforce the boundary. Is the co-worker’s behavior so intolerable that you are willing to quit your job and go elsewhere? Is the family member’s behavior so obnoxious that if they violate your boundaries, you are willing to stop speaking to them? I ensure that if clients decide to not enforce their boundaries and choose to stay in the situation, then it is just that: a choice, willingly made, and no longer something to complain about.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Vivian Banta (MBA/Coach U CTP Grad) is a life and transition coach who works with people in pursuit of their passion who want to fully engage in their lives or who are experiencing changes such as relocation, career shifts (including military to civilian life), and personal relationship changes. To find out more, visit her website at http://www.gardenofsenses.com or e-mail her at coach@gardenofsenses.com to schedule a free, 30-minute personal coaching session.
Principle Wins
Copyright © 2006 Mike PniewskiHave you ever been asked to compromise your values? Been offered a chance to score big-time money or a huge promotion if you’d only bend the rules just a little bit? People who declare themselves to be your friends are tossing excuses at you like “No one will ever know” or “People do it all the time.” You begin to think that they may be right and you’ll never see an opportunity as great as this again. If you just do it this one time, you can enjoy your newfound success and pledge to never do it again. You’re a good person and even though this may be unethical, it’s only one time and you’ll still be a good person.
It’s tempting. We see compromise and a lack of ethics all around us to the point that it seems to justify the idea that any means necessary are acceptable to achieve as long as you get the payoff. And, boy, the payoffs are amazing! These hyper-driven types that take no prisoners are driving some nice cars and living in some mighty palatial digs. The last thing you want to be is the guy who’s on the outside looking in. It’s a dog eat dog world and you don’t want to be the milk bone!
So your intense desire to reach the top combined with a lack luster feeling about your current situation, leads you to have that inner dialogue that says it’s OK to break some rules or hurt some people if it means that you get ahead.
Here’s the truth as I see it: you compromise your principles, you can never go back. From here on out, you’ll know that what you did belied who you are and that will torture and inhibit you forever. Going against your core values in order to achieve material gain will forever change the way you view yourself and how others view you. Yes, sooner or later, people find out. Word will get around about your visit to the dark side and you’ll have a lot of fun running away from that.
I’m a union guy, have been for over 20 years. The performers unions have been good to my family and me and I have an impassioned belief in the value of organization. With membership comes a commitment to only work union. But, I see too many examples of members who have cheated on their commitment to our unions by doing nonunion work. In that case, our collective power is weakened as they selfishly pursue more money at all costs.
Have I ever been offered these sorts of opportunities? You bet--even at times in my career when I needed the money! I can honestly say to you I have always and will always say no. And not even so much for the sake of the union, but primarily because it’s not who I am. I made a pledge and I plan to keep it. No amount of money for one job is worth giving up on a long term commitment. At the end of the day, I have to look my family in the eye and know that I am who I say I am. I can’t do that knowing that I gave up a part of me so I could score a big job.
For years I’ve always told my students “Don’t give yourself away.” This business will ask a lot of you as you work towards your dream of being a successful, working actor but you can’t compromise who you are in the process. You’ll be pushed to the line morally and ethically but you have to hold firm on what matters to you. In the end, your truth is all you’ve got. In any business, you are your greatest asset. Who you are, what your gifts are, what you stand for, your work ethic, are the most vivid definitions of how you benefit the world around you. Giving up even a part of that weakens the power of your whole being. One union member working “off the card” hurts every member. A chain is only as strong as it’s weakest link.
Stand up for what you believe in and pledge to never comprise yourself in order to get ahead. You don’t need it! Trust in your gifts and your commitment. Legitimate hard work and talent do win out, even when you see those around you taking the low road and seemingly winning. No matter what that little voice may be saying to you in your moments of doubt---principle wins.
Mike Pniewski has been a successful actor in films, TV and commercials for over 20 years. To learn more about Mike's exciting and innovative programs and how they can benefit you, visit http://www.acttowin.com
Inspiration to Do It Now
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